Chapter 5
For a few minutes after Faith departed, Shane lay on top of his desk, mentally and emotionally exhausted.
The day was far from over.
He rolled to his feet and went outside. Beneath the Jeep's passenger seat, he found the briefcase Cookie had left. He carried it inside, set it on the desk, and opened the combination latch. The case sprang open, revealing a laptop. Inside the pocket were small cases holding the tiny units, each no bigger than a fly. They didn't actually record, themselves; they merely relayed to the computer. The range was decent. As long as he left the laptop in the car and didn't drive too far away, it would faithfully record all the video and sound that the little bugs transmitted.
He put the desk-and-chair combination to work once more, using tiny, adhesive circles to affix the bugs to the dark-metal screw heads in the hanging light fixtures in opposite corners of the room. He moved around the room, making sure they weren't too visible, and decided a person would pretty much have to be looking for them to notice them. He checked the feeds on the computer and was satisfied they gave an acceptable view of the room.
"That should do it," he said, and watched the indicator move with the sound of his voice.
He closed the laptop and then sat on the desk, reading Mr. Garrett's book.
It was well past four-thirty when Geraldine appeared at the door.
"We're locking up," she said.
He nodded, grabbed the briefcase, turned off the lights, and followed her out, book in hand. He hoped he wouldn't have to leave every day at four-thirty. He wondered how long he should wait before asking if he could have a key. He went by the office and signed out, as he'd been instructed to do. He left at the same time as Mr. Hallock and Geraldine.
"How was the day?" Mr. Hallock asked.
"It was good, thanks."
He drove to Mr. Garrett's house. He felt awkward waiting for the door to open, but the sight of Mr. Garrett's smiling face eased his discomfort.
"Come in," Mr. Garrett said, gesturing him inside.
They shared a long talk that evening. Mr. Garrett told him the things he hadn't put in the book.
"It's a hard balance to try to find," he said in conclusion, "between teaching the children what they need to know to pass the tests and teaching them what they need to know to succeed later."
Shane nodded. He'd long known that the focus on specific points for the test left holes in other areas.
"They want to get the test scores up," Mr. Garrett said. "They need to. But George and I didn't agree on the best way to go about that, without jeopardizing the overall learning. George is a smart man but he's not a mathematician. He doesn't fully comprehend the interdependencies. I'm not going to tell you how to solve the problem. You're smart enough to figure that out for yourself. I believe you'll come to a path similar to mine. That's why I needed to leave when I did. Because, if I'd stayed and we'd overlapped, then people might have thought you were just giving the same answers I'd given to you. This way you get a fresh start, no stigma. Make it right, son."
"Thanks for your time, Mr. Garrett."
"My pleasure," Mr. Garrett said.
They got to their feet.
"I remember you as a little thing, you know," Mr. Garrett said. "Didn't think Shane was the name, though, but I don't remember as well as I used to."
Shane's name had been 'Shiloh' until he was ten and his grandparents changed it to 'Albert', an offense he'd rectified as soon as he was old enough. By then, though, the name Shiloh was firmly a part of his past and hadn't felt right for the present. He'd settled on Shane because it was close but not too close. Besides, he'd loved the book by that name.
"I taught your father," Mr. Garrett said. "He was a smart young man, too." He smiled. "Little bit of a cut-up now and then. Don't know that he ever yanked down his trousers in front of an audience, though."
Shane felt color in his cheeks. Evidently the old man had seen some Painted Ghost pictures. Shane had mooned audiences on a fairly regular basis. Somehow, it was a lot worse to think of Mr. Garrett seeing him that way than Faith.
"That wasn't the first time I saw you unfit for company," Mr. Garrett said. "My wife and I went to have dinner with your parents one night. I believe you were about two at the time. There was some commotion from upstairs when your father let us in. Next thing I knew, you came running down the stairs, naked as a jaybird, and threw yourself in your father's arms, crying."
The story hit Shane with the force of a gut-kick. He worked not to let it show.
Mr. Garrett laughed. "Your mother was a little put out. Your father, he just laughed and carried you back up the stairs. Told us he was sorry, but he believed they were raising a streaker." His eyes shone. "I trust you know now when to keep your clothes on."
"Yeah," Shane said. "I got a pretty good handle on that." He swallowed. "Did you want me to take this job because you liked my father?"
"No," Mr. Garrett said. "I didn't connect you with your father at first. You don't look like him. You look more like your mother and I only saw her a couple times. But then, after we made the decision about you, George told me you were Jason's boy, and I was a little surprised I hadn't realized it. The more time I spend with you, the more like him you seem. But even if I'd known, that wouldn't have affected my decision. I've had some students who meant the world to me. But as an educator, you always need to think most about the ones of now and, right after them, the ones of next year. No matter how much I thought of your father, I wouldn't have wanted you if I didn't believe in my heart you were right. Because that wouldn't be fair to the others." He put his hand on Shane's shoulder. "I believe in you, son," he said. "It's all right that you're worried. A little humility's a good thing. But don't you start doubting yourself. Those kids need you to be strong and sure and true."
Shane needed more time to process the day than the drive home would have allowed. He stopped at the park and lay on his favorite picnic table, watching evening clouds go by.
He couldn't get Mr. Garrett's story out of his mind. It was a silly little vignette that, on the surface, fell into the garden-variety naked-bratty-baby story, but it woke the guilt Shane didn't know how to kill.
Shane had long before come to accept he was a middle kind of person. It wasn't just his body that was a little of both genders but functional as neither. His mind was affected, too. His psychological and emotional aspects largely fell into the spectrum generally associated with females while his cognitive functioning was more typically male. He was neither male nor female but, at the same time, he was both.
He'd been born with what his parents thought was a minor birth defect. The doctors corrected the hypospadias as well as they could, making a new urethral opening in the place where they thought it should be, but evidently didn't look too closely into his physiology. It was only much later that anyone investigated closely enough to realize he had mixed chromosomes, an ovary in addition to a testis, and a womb.
His parents took their new son home and commenced raising him.
The whole thing about the clothes had taken them some time to figure out. They didn't understand, at first, that it wasn't clothes to which he objected, but the specific clothes in which they dressed him. In his mind, he had a concept for girl, and he was one, and he had a concept for stupid, ugly, boy clothes, and he didn't want them. Shiloh couldn't tell her parents. The concepts were fairly well developed but there were no words attached.
In the early years, she had no words. It wasn't just that she couldn't speak them; she didn't understand them, either. They were just sounds, like cars running and cats meowing and doors opening and closing.
She fought against being put into clothes she hated and, after losing those battles, would take advantage of the first opportunity to take them off.
Eventually, her parents began to suspect their son might be a daughter. They saw she liked things little boys typically didn't. It had to have been confusing for them, though, because she also liked a lot of things typically associated with boys. She loved to play with cars and trucks. Evidently her parents decided the safest thing would be to take a middle-of-the-road approach. They bought her gender-neutral toys as well as clothes and, for the most part, Shiloh wore the clothes. They weren't pretty and pink and shiny but at least they weren't stupid, ugly, boy clothes.
Finally, Shiloh got words when she made the connection between the concepts in her mind and the sounds that came out of people's mouths. She understood things that were said long before she managed to get her mouth to make words of its own. Words didn't come easily for her and so she talked when only her mother or father was present, nobody else. Her mother tried to get her to talk in front of other people but she couldn't. Her mother didn't understand.
Shiloh made a great many discoveries in her early days as a listener and among the most significant was the bewildering realization that her parents thought she was a boy. They called her 'he'. How could they not know she was a girl? It made no sense. Maybe they were just playing. Shiloh didn't like that game.
Shane still remembered the day when four-year-old Shiloh told her father, "Shiloh am girl."
Daddy smiled. "Did you hear that, Valerie?" he said, turning his head. "Shiloh's a girl."
Mommy smiled. "Of course she is."
They went to the mall. He remembered the way it felt to be Shiloh in her car seat, riding home and wearing her first pink dress. It had ruffles and so did the butt of the tights. She loved the sound the shiny, white buckle shoes made when she tapped them together.
Her parents' ready acceptance hadn't surprised her at the time. She was just glad they finally got it straightened out. Much later, Shane came to appreciate the decisions they'd made. He knew they'd probably lain awake many nights contemplating Shiloh's future. Long before she made her proclamation, they'd evidently agreed to let her be what she was.
He knew Shiloh had to have encountered Herb and Helen, his father's parents, before that. He didn't remember them, though. People besides her parents had never particularly interested her; they were just colors and sounds. Whenever they got too close or too many of them got together, it made her head hurt, and so she didn't pay any attention to them.
Shane's first memory of Herb was an angry voice, roaring over the quieter sound of his father's. Shiloh lay with her ear against the vent, hearing only snatches at times, but knowing they were mad and they were talking about her.
"Laughingstock" was a word his grandfather used more than once. So was 'freak'. Shiloh didn't know those words but she remembered them, and eventually found out what they meant. Jason said he didn't care what anybody else thought. It only mattered how Shiloh felt. Herb said they were going to get it resolved once and for all. That sounded scary but Shiloh wasn't afraid. Daddy wouldn't let anything bad happen to her.
Shane only remembered his father raising his voice once that night. The words had stayed with him through the years. "God makes no mistakes."
From what Shane had been able to piece together later, Herb and Helen had decided to try to get custody of Shiloh to correct what they described as Jason and Valerie's 'dangerously permissive' style of parenting.
Though Shiloh's gender was a primary issue, it wasn't the only one. Herb and Helen had long before realized Shiloh wasn't like other children, and they blamed it on Valerie. Shiloh had unwittingly left behind sufficient evidence for a case to be made against her parents--or at least her mother. Valerie had been overwhelmed by the reality of child-rearing, and Shiloh had gotten up to some things when her father was at work. She'd drawn on the walls and she'd thrown so many things in the toilet once that the plumber had to take it out. She'd tried out a teenager's skateboard and broken her arm. She'd pulled over a store mannequin once and ended up in the emergency room, getting stitches in her head. It was mostly the kinds of incidents to which any parent could fall victim in a careless moment. A few of the incidents were different but they never would have happened if Shiloh hadn't been a special-needs child in the first place and, after every one of them, her parents tried to put safeguards in place to ensure they didn't happen again. They just had no way of predicting what Shiloh might do next. She set off for the store once with a dollar, only to be picked up by a passing police car a half-mile from home; it was even worse because she was naked and it was October. Her parents put locks on the doors and she couldn't get out of the house alone again. Another time, she took off the wristband on her toddler leash and left the grocery store while her mother was ordering a cake at the bakery and got into a stranger's car. Her parents bought a vest-leash. She jumped into a pool during an outdoor party at someone's house. Couldn't swim. Her father dove in after her and fished her out and, after that, they always put the vest-leash on her near water.
Jason and Valerie had realized there was something not quite right, beyond the gender confusion, and they'd begun seeking help. The diagnosis of autism hadn't yet been made and so Herb also had on his side Shiloh's lack of interpersonal skills. No one besides Valerie and Jason had ever heard her talk and there was no proof she could. And even if she could, Herb said, the fact that she wouldn't do it in front of people was a clear indication there was something wrong in the way she was being raised.
Valerie and Jason had believed there was an underlying cause for Shiloh's behavior and that it wasn't all their fault. They knew if Herb got her, he'd try to force her back onto the male track. He'd regard her less-than-pleasing traits as behavioral problems. He'd try to bend her to his will using the same methods of discipline he'd used on his sons--belittlement and the belt.
Jason and Valerie had just been starting out in life. They didn't have the resources to fight Herb, not with the millions he had at his disposal. They were afraid they'd lose. So they ran.
What Shane remembered next after the argument was hurried packing. It might have been that night or another, he didn't know. He thought it likely it was another time because Shiloh never made the connection between the argument and the packing. Shane made that connection years later.
What he remembered was a long ride in the car. Then a new house with a pink bedroom. He remembered shopping. He knew now what the stores were, consignment shops, and soon Shiloh had a closet full of dresses.
Shane remembered the time that followed as a happy one. Shiloh's father taught her to read. She went to kindergarten. She made her first real friend, a girl named Heather. She got a Barbie and a Barbie Townhouse for Christmas.
The only thing she didn't like was all the time she had to spend around grown-ups--especially the doctors who kept wanting to see her naked. Shane understood now what they were doing. He'd realized it by the time he was ten, but it was only confirmed once he was an adult and could lay hands on the documentation. Shiloh's parents had taken her to specialists. Those doctors agreed she was more girl than boy but, like her parents, thought it would be a mistake to try to alter her body. They thought it was possible she might later feel more male than female and so they didn't want to do anything to bind her to either gender. They helped her parents obtain a second birth certificate, one for a female, with the understanding that Shiloh eventually would use whichever felt right for the adult she became.
Her parents also took her sometimes to talk to people in offices and they always had interesting toys. She didn't like the people much because they wanted her to talk and she wanted to play with the toys. A lot of times the people watched her play and she wished they'd go away--but the toys were fun. The blocks there stuck to each other and didn't fall over like other ones. She made a stack of blocks that went all the way to the ceiling, red-blue-yellow, red-blue-yellow. She didn't like the green ones and didn't put them in. She liked the puzzles, too. She didn't like the doll house. It was missing its door and the top had a crack. Besides, the dolls weren't pretty like Barbie.
The only thing prettier than Barbie was Mommy.
Shiloh loved her mother but her father was her favorite thing in the whole, wide world.
Then came the night her mother cried and didn't stop. Daddy was gone. He wasn't coming back.
Shiloh got confused and forgot how to talk.
Even at the funeral, Shiloh hadn't fully accepted the new reality. Shane remembered being Shiloh, scanning the scene at the cemetery, praying for a glimpse of her father. She needed him to come and tell everybody it had all been a mistake. He never came.
Valerie's descent had been rapid. She'd always been a little flighty; his father had always been her strength. In her depression, she lost God but found drugs. She treated Shiloh more like a pet than a human. Shiloh hoped that would get better once she remembered how to talk, but it didn't.
Before long, the two of them ended up living on an ancient farm with several dozen other people and all the drugs and sex Valerie could want. Shiloh got a lot more of both than she wanted. After several years and some twists and turns, Valerie put Shiloh on a bus and sent her to Herb and Helen. Shiloh didn't know them and didn't at first make the connection between Herb and the angry man. Herb and Helen didn't waste any time in executing their plan to reclaim their long-lost grandson. They adopted him, named him Albert, and said they were his parents. Helen remained bitter to the present over his refusal to refer to them as his parents. It was as if they wanted to erase his parents, make it like they'd never been there. But others, people like Mr. Garrett, they knew they had been.
Shane knew a lot of kids wanted their own way. It was the nature of the human. Still, that didn't change the fact that his father would never have been in New Mexico, in the path of the truck that killed him, if Shiloh had just put on the stupid, ugly, boy clothes.
The only comfort he had, the only salve for the guilt, was the memory of his father's voice, strong, sure and true. God makes no mistakes.
Smells of dinner greeted Shane at the door. He smiled. Julianna didn't cook often. He took care of most of the meals. It was nice when she did.
"You're late," Julianna said, looking up from her laptop when he moved through the door.
"Sorry." It was well past eight. He crossed the room and leaned to kiss her on the head. "Good to be home."
"How was it?" she asked, setting the laptop onto the coffee table.
"It was pretty good," he said, settling onto the couch. He put his arm around her and she curled into his side. He rested his cheek on her head. "Draining."
"My poor little introvert," she said, patting his thigh. "Were they at least nice?"
"Yeah."
"I'm glad," she said.
He closed his eyes. It was good to hold her that way. As roommates and friends, they'd spent many hours just being close to each other. It had been enough then.
"I made roast," she said.
"Smells good."
"I'm still deciding if you deserve any, after you came home so late."
"Told you I'd be late."
"I know," she said in her bedroom voice. "And I thought I could handle it."
Disappointment flooded Shane at that tone. It would have been so good just to be with her, to share the same space for a time. Still, it beat the sound of her bitching, which was what would come if he didn't play along.
"But then I spent the evening here all by myself, lonely and missing you, and I think maybe you need to suffer for that."
He smiled and put a tiny bite on her bottom lip, then traced it with his tongue. "Do you really want to make me suffer?" he growled.
Her breath came in panting gasps. "Sometimes," she said in a tiny voice.
He wished she'd do something about it. He couldn't help it, his nature was to like a little pain with his pleasure. He thought it might be good for both of them if she'd take out some of her aggression in the bedroom rather than carrying it into every other part of their lives. She was a repressed would-be dom more comfortable in the role of submissive. She flirted with the idea of sexual sadism but couldn't bring herself to commit.
"Well, you're shit outta' luck tonight," he said, wrapping her hair in his fist and propelling her off the couch. "Go get my food."
Her eyes, lit by desire and the prospect of degradation to come, remained on him while she backed toward the kitchen.
After she went through the door, Shane allowed his head to slump back onto the couch. It was going to be another long night.
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